How should I handle my narcissistic husband?

narcissistproblems
Dec 16, 2016
4 min read

Dear Narcissist Problems,

My narcissistic husband told me he wanted a divorce less than a month ago. We are still living in the house together but sleeping in separate bedrooms. Communication is obviously strained and getting more so as each day passes. It seems that he only wants to talk about my pain. If I tell him I'm ok, he immediately disengages. Yesterday I went and got the Christmas tree alone. In retaliation he went out at 6:30 and came home at 3:00 AM. I can barely sleep as I was up all night worried about him.

I read online that to manipulate a narcissist you must tell them you're hurting so they won't see you as a threat. But then I also read not to engage narcissists cause otherwise you're only feeding their "addiction". I need to go through mediation as I have no money to pay legal fees so I want to keep him from trying to destroy me more than he already has. Help! How should I handle him?

Sincerely,

"Stuck"

Dear "Stuck",

There are a ton of articles popping up about narcissism and how to manipulate a narcissist but from my own experience trying to manipulate one of these soul suckers would only lead to more destruction. Manipulation in itself is feeding a narcissistic need. I understand your need to protect yourself but be very careful on the advice in many of these articles as they don't seem to be written by people who have been there. These articles are more like click bait and written for a wow factor and the advice is likely to only escalate the situation with a narcissist. With that said, I am also not pretending that I have all the answers or solutions but I will help you explore the situation to gain some insight as to how to proceed.

I recommend this book for your situation:

In abusive relationships it is very common for the person being emotionally and/or physically abused to also be financially abused. For whatever reasons you are stuck there without any means of getting out. How your narcissistic husband is going about the situation leads me to believe that he might be lacking in replacement supply. Further, causing a painful situation for another person and then sticking around to explore the pain they caused is kind of creeping me out.

Normal people do show concern when someone they love is in pain but usually not when they are consistently causing that pain. Narcissists do the opposite of what a normal person would do. A normal person looks for ways to fix the situation they don't want to mull over your pain. They want to fix your pain they don't want to live in it.

I'm going on the assumption that your narcissistic husband initiated the need for a divorce but at the same time he is acting out when you go out on your own to do things that the two of you did together in the past like get a Christmas tree. As a result, he did something that knew would push your buttons in the past which is to stay out all night. He was probably sitting in his car on the side of the road watching the time tick by knowing you would be stressed out and hoping that by the time he got home the two of you would end up in an argument. Pushing buttons is what a narcissist does best.

As for your divorce from a narcissist, if it doesn't escalate in crazy, I would check this option out: legal separation is $199 fixed fee meaning its not charged by the hour which is good news. They also give free anonymous advice and I have the form up at narcissistproblems.com/legal for legal questions.

I would NEVER tell a narcissist that I was hurting so they wouldn't see me as a threat. When narcissists want to know if you are hurting they are making mental notes on how to dig the knife in deeper the next time. This is what they do. They do not say to themselves "oh well I hurt her feelings so she can't get me now". No, they intensify the situations that hurt you. They make situations that hurt you happen.

Narcissists want to destroy you and you should never forget that. Of course he asks about your pain and then if you are not in pain he disengages. He is trying to figure out what he can do to get to you. He wants to be in the back of your mind and under your skin. He wants you to be a hot mess. A narcissist will not be happy until you are all the nervous wreck he has told everyone you are.

Here is a great community to reach out to others who are divorcing a narcissist:

The War at Home

My advice, do not engage a narcissist. Do not talk about your feelings. Do not react when he tries to push your buttons. He is going to try to destroy you regardless of your financial status and you already know this. You need to walk away and take one day at a time because the longer you stay the worse it will be for you because this is what narcissists do. Good luck to you!

Regards,